Monday, May 28, 2012

The Water Works

Growing up,  my mother would cry at every single recital, school musical or graduation my siblings and I ever participated in, and I would roll my eyes at her every time!  

Walking into the gym at my daughter's school, I saw the stage, all set up for the spring concert. There weren't even any kids in the room, but i could feel the lump starting in my throat. This was a week after I had given birth to my youngest, which might explain why I was extra sensitive, but still! It was a half empty gym for crying out load (no pun intended)!

When I saw my daughter and her little friends take the stage, hand in hand, it was all over - let alone  when they started singing this little light of mine! My husband looked at me and noticed, that I was wearing my sunglasses. In a slightly schooling tone, he asked me, why I was wearing those inside - I lifted them, showing my red teary eyes, "because I'm crying, that's why!!" ..... he put his arm around me, and said nothing further about the sunglasses.     

Now I would like to say, that this was all due to my hormonal changes, and that I am nothing like my mother. But the truth is, that no amount of hormones will change the fact, that I am a crier!

I cry when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm touched by something - pretty much anytime my emotions sway just slightly from the baseline. I cry watching TV or reading books. I cry every time I say goodbye to someone - which is quite the predicament, since I live half a world away from pretty much every person in my life. I cry in airports at the thought of others saying goodbye or being reunited. I cry when someone tells me they're pregnant, and I cry never more, than after I had kids!

At the onset of that lump forming in my throat, I will attempt to talk myself out of crying. Reasoning with myself about how the situation in no way will be altered by the fact that I am crying. Crying won't make things less touching, less sad or less scary. It will only result in puffy red eyes for the rest of the day - maybe even the next day, if the crying took place at night! I try to think of something else, or distract myself. As if thinking about furniture upholstery for example, will take away from the two people about to get married, or my daughter taking a bow at her first ever school performance!  
I have met woman who are beautiful criers. One single tear rolling down their cheeks as they gaze ahead. This does not run in my genetic pool, and my tears would never be perceived as endearing. I am an ugly crier! It is as if my face and I are having a fight. Each of us trying to pull the facial muscles in different directions! Not just a few muscles around the eyes either, but every single facial muscle and beyond, starting at those tendons at the front of my throat! My eyes turn into tiny little creases and my hands start waving uncontrollably in front of me! (come to think of it, I actually laugh in a similar unattractive manor!). 

Now there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the fact that I am a crier. And when I try to look prettier while crying, it only makes it worse - since the fight between me and my face intensifies! It is a circumstance that I will have to live with. And when my daughters begin to roll their eyes at me - which they undoubtedly will, I will simply cry even more, thinking about how I am my mothers daughter and they are mine!

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