Friday, June 8, 2012

Where's my Oprah-moment?!

Setting the scene...
Witching-hour has commenced, the house is in ruins, my husband is running late at work, I'm sleep-deprived, the baby is screaming, the middle-child is putting on her own production of Stomp and the oldest just spilled milk all over the sofa! Now instead of me on the verge of tears, envision this:

All of a sudden the intro music to The Oprah Winfrey show starts playing. Magically the living-room is transformed into a TV-studio. I am on the stage, and there she is! Oprah Winfrey, in all her glory, saying things like "Own Your Power" and " Where There is no Struggle, There is No Strength", all while she and her entire audience, is clapping and nodding in acknowledgement to the amazingness that is me and my motherly struggles!

Before having children, I used to watch made-for-TV-moments like this, and honestly find it all a bit excessive. The majority of woman become mothers at some point in their lives right? - so what's the big whoop!? I'll tell you what the big whoop is .... children are terrible! We love them more than anything, and every day contains moments that make it all worth while. But let's face it, those little ones can be absolute monsters!

Sleepless nights, colic, witching-hour, teething, waiting rooms at doctors offices - it's hard work! Whether you are a stay-at-home mom, working full-time or part-time - it's hard work! Moments like those are enough to make anyone loose their minds! And I'm sure it doesn't get easier by the time those monsters are teenagers, slamming doors and sneaking beers out of the refrigerator.

Some days you just need someone to tell you, you're doing a good job! Some days, when you're having one of those almost-in-tears-moments, you need appreciation of a magnitude that only Oprah could give you! Nothing less!

So to all you mothers out there: Go kiss your wonderful [terrible] children, and know that Oprah and I believe you to deserve much appreciation. You all rock and you've taken on one of the hardest jobs in the world!    

Monday, June 4, 2012

How To Keep Your Wife From Hitting The Fan

I love my husband. Now let's get on with it ......

I get mad at my husband!

Being pregnant and postpartum continuously for quite some years now, I get mad at him A LOT! Even in my dreams, I'll be mad at him! Most of the time, I don't even think he realizes that I'm mad at him. Days will pass, and he will all of a sudden say "wait a minute, are you mad about something?", realizing that I have given him the silence treatment for two days! .... or maybe he did realize, but decided to enjoy the calm!

Either way, when he does realize, he will usually humor me, and let me fight with him. You see, it is most definitely always me, who is having a fight with- or at him, without much participation from his side.

This could work, if he actually listened and took notice, but no! This is the most infuriating thing! He will only listen half way. He actually has an amazing talent, where he zones out all background noise, picks out a few thought-provoking words, and creates his own new perception. For example, if I go on about needing more help, and how hard it is being alone with toddlers and a new baby, he somehow just hears the word baby, and then his male brain brings him to "let's go practice making another one!"  - Are you kidding me!

The thing is, I actually don't believe myself to be all that complicated. Woman are from Venus and men are from Mars?.... Nah! I might be slightly crazy, but It's all very simple and earthly. So the measures it takes to keep me from hitting the fan, might not always be rational, but they are quite straightforward.

Dear Husband, the following advice is for you......

  • First of all, if I am pregnant, postpartum or PMS'ing, avoid any spontaneous conversation all together! 
  •  Sometimes I need to vent. Do not come up with solutions! I do not want to solve things - I want to dwell in them! I only want comments from you, stating how sorry you are, or that you get where I'm coming from and that you agree with me! You do not have to reason with me, even if I'm being unreasonable!  
  • If for some idiotic reason an x-girlfriend or fling is brought up in conversation, the only correct thing to say is: "she's terrible!". Do not tell me how "she's actually a nice girl" or "quite sweet" and unless you tell me she's fat and wrinkled, I don't even want to know the color of her hair!
  • if you have already disregarded the above mentioned points, and set me off, then do not attempt to win the argument. It will only end badly. I am always right!
                                                                         - Sincerely your loving wife